


How did we end up here?

by IllyanaA



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen, I'm trying to cope, Post Twilight of the Apprentice, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 13:57:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6426559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllyanaA/pseuds/IllyanaA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanan and Ezra deal with the immediate aftermath of Malachor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How did we end up here?

**Author's Note:**

> Post Twilight of the Apprentice. Based off a wonderful piece of art work that I will link as soon as/if I get the authors permission.  
> Forgive my mistakes; I can't see through my tears.
> 
> Inspired by this lovely piece of art: http://lorna-ka.tumblr.com/post/142033948688/forgive-my-messy-doodles-im-trying-to-cope

Ezra leans into Kanan’s chest where he holds him against him. He is trembling, but he can’t tell if it’s from his fear or the weight of the Dark Side that has settled inside him. He still clutches the holocron in his hands, wondering if this mission was worth it, because all they are coming away with is a Sith Artifact that none of them can open. He wants to throw it, destroy it, turn back around and lash out at Vader, screaming. But Kanan's hands tighten on him then, feeling his apprentice's turbulent emotions. Ezra immediately feels guilty.  _Kanan_. Kanan, who is now blind because of the Zabrak he had decided to trust over the man that took him in. He lets the holocron drop to the floor and pulls himself closer to Kanan, trying to ignore the feeling of the mask over his face as he leans in. 

Kanan's breath is laboured, and Ezra knows he's in pain, he can feel it. But he can't seem to get himself moving to help his Master. Feebly, he tries to send what little healing energy he can to him, knowing that probably it’s useless, but he hopes that it is a small comfort.

But healing is of the Light, and he is drowning in the Dark.

Kanan says nothing though, and holds onto him as Chopper announces their flight time. Ezra feels his tired gratitude through the Force, and each time he feels Kanan reach out to him, he latches onto the Light in Kanan’s presence, desperately attempting to throw off the Dark. This is worse than Anaxes, worse than Mustafar, worse than his parents. He's cold and terrified and guilty and angry and wishes they could go back and fix this.

Finally, Kanan speaks, his voice wavering. "Ezra, I need you to bandage my-my eyes."

He shakes his head, leaning in further. _I can’t look. Don’t make me look._ "I-I can't. I don't know how."

"I'll walk you through. But it needs to be done.”

Ezra nods before he realizes what he’s doing, and immediately tries to recover. “Okay.”

Kanan manages to smile, and it hurts Ezra’s heart. “I felt your nod. Now, get the med kit.”

Ezra walks to where the med kit is stored, missing the warmth Kanan provides as soon as he walks away. It took a while for the Darkness to leave him after Anaxes, how long would it take this time? Chopper remains silent, unmoving as Ezra grabs the kit and sits back down next to his Master. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself for what he knows is coming next.

Gently, he reaches up and takes off the mask. He stops breathing.

“How bad is it?”

Ezra can’t speak and when he breathes again, his breath hitches, and tears start to fall again.

“That bad, huh?”

He buries his face in his chest again, sobbing once more, and chokes out: “I’m so sorry.”

A hand settles across his shoulders, and one on the back of his head, fingers wrapped in his hair. “Hey, this isn’t your fault.”

“Then why do I feel guilty?”

Kanan says nothing, holds him close one more time before letting go. Ezra knows this means it’s time for him to get to work. He gets out the roll of gauze at Kanan’s instruction and the jar of bacta. The cooling effect must help with the burns, he decides as he lathers the back of the gauze in it. Gently, he moves forward and wraps the bacta-soaked gauze around his head. Kanan’s shoulders relax as the blue gel settles over his eyes, the first moment of relief he’s had since it happened. Ezra finishes the bandages, securing it in place in the back. The bacta will stop the burning and will cool the skin around it, but Ezra knows Kanan needs some intense healing time.

He leans back away from him and against the wall of the ship, giving Kanan a moment to get adjusted. He sees the faces of his crew members, his _family_ , flash across his mind as they discover the news. Hera will be devastated, Sabine will never forgive him, Zeb will never speak to him again, and Rex—oh, Rex—he’ll have to help lead the Rebellion without Ahsoka at his side.

In this moment, he hates Master Yoda more than he’s ever hated another being.

He feels a hand touch him once on the knee, then on the chest, before finally settling on his shoulder. “Stop blaming yourself. We’ll get through this. We always do.”

And this time, it’s Kanan pulling him in, and Ezra hates that he’s comforting _him_ , when Kanan is the one who should be upset. Kanan is the one who needs comfort. Ezra should be doing something, _anything_ , to try and ease his Master’s pain.

But that’s never been them.

So as the ship hums its way through hyperspace, Ezra listens to the sounds of Kanan’s heartbeat and his breathing. It’s better than reliving each moment on that planet’s surface, better than looking up and seeing Kanan’s bandaged eyes. He’ll pass out, he decides, from exhaustion and stress, so Kanan will rest, too.

Hoping that when he wakes up, this will all have been a nightmare. Hoping that when he wakes up Ahsoka and Rex will be laughing over a cup of caf. Hoping that when he wakes up, he’ll see Kanan’s blue eyes looking back at him.

But as he drifts off, his gaze rests on the Sith holocron, glowing ominously from the floor. He promises as Kanan shifts the two of them to a more comfortable position, that this mission will not have been in vain.

He’ll open the holocron. He’ll gain the knowledge.

He’ll defeat the Empire and save his friends, even if it destroys him.

**Author's Note:**

> (as a first-aider, and a pre-medical student, I know that you're not supposed to bandage freshly burned eyes, but they did, so I'm sticking with canon)


End file.
